


Off Days

by toooldtotrickortreat



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Established Relationship, M/M, Muteness, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Survivor Guilt, Swearing, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 13:05:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16577066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toooldtotrickortreat/pseuds/toooldtotrickortreat
Summary: Simon Snow and Baz Pitch both experience their off days. Those days are made even worse when they’re both feeling like crap at the same time.





	Off Days

**Author's Note:**

> depressed author is depressed and has been playing a lot of the remastered lego harry potter on switch :-)  
> this has been a shit week let’s leave it at that  
> take some angst it’s all i have to offer ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> don't read this if you're feeling like shit bc it prolly won't help at all

**SIMON**

The moment I wake up, I know it’s not going to be a good day. Baz, who has been staying in the apartment I share with Penny while she’s in America, is missing from his spot in my bed. I can’t hear the clanging of pots and pans in the kitchen that accompanies his waking up before me, which is rare in itself.

Great. It’s not going to be a good day for either of us.

I comb a hand through my bedhead and try to my brace myself for what the day is going to entail. It’s not enough. It never is.

**BAZ**

I knew, the moment my eyes opened over an hour earlier than they should, that today would be absolute shit. My head feels fuzzy the way it does when too many thoughts are about to fill it. I know the warning signs. I’ve been living with them all my life. It doesn’t make it less awful.

I do my best to be gentle as I remove the arm Snow has draped over my torso but I more or less throw him off. I can’t have him touching me. Or anyone. I just … can’t. As I move to stand, I find his tail wrapped a bit firmly around my ankle. I glance at his face - he’s frowning, but clearly still asleep. I can’t help the annoyed huff that escapes me as I snatch my wand from the nightstand and cast a quick spell to remove them temporarily, at least enough to free my leg.

When I do, I’m quick to leave his bedroom and I go to shut myself in the bathroom, locking the door. I’m glad I fed last night - I won’t have to leave any time soon. So, I sit on the bathroom mat with my back against the cupboards under the sink and legs stretched out in front of me.

It’s going to be a long day.

And when I hear the bed creak and Simon not make an effort to go to the kitchen, I know it’s going to be even worse.

**SIMON**

The tightness in my chest is overwhelming.

I can’t open my mouth. (But then again, what would I say? Would I just kill someone I love again?)

I know my breathing is getting too quick but I don’t know what to do.

I can’t remember how to cope.

How can I cope?

How can I breathe?

How can I _live_ like I even deserve to?

I don’t notice that tears are threatening to well up before droplets are already trailing down my cheeks. They just make me feel even worse.

What right do _I_ have to be like this?

I’m not the one who got hurt. Not like the others did. Not like Baz or Penny, or even Agatha. Not like the Mage.

Not like…

Like…

Ebb.

Before I know it, I’m outright sobbing. I shouldn’t be, but I am. And nothing can stop it.

**BAZ**

I can hear him crying, but I don’t get up.

I should feel horrible.

But I don’t feel anything.

I bang my head against the wooden panels behind me, but apart from a brief shot of pain, I feel nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact when i originally wrote “the tightness in my chest is overwhelming” i said “the tightness in my chest is too tight”  
> i mean  
> i’m not wrong but  
> yeah
> 
> i might write a cutesy follow up but who knows


End file.
